Should I have a friend or family member officiate my wedding?
On a few occasions, I have received an email or phone call to let me know my services will not be needed because a family member or friend was going to perform the ceremony. Although I think this is a lovely idea, there are some things to consider. Even though, at the time, I had performed over 300 wedding ceremonies, I found myself a bit nervous when I was asked to officiate my brother Scott's wedding. I knew that any mistakes made during the ceremony - even if unrelated to what I was saying and doing - would be magnified 100 times. I am happy to report that everything about the wedding was beautiful, but part of that was because of my experience and training (there were little "fires" I was able to put out in advance). I also made myself available for the rehearsal and ran it as well to ensure everyone felt comfortable and devoid of stress.
The average wedding in the U.S. cost over $25,000. The ceremony, and being there in the moment you join your lives together, is the reason that people travel near and far to your wedding. Although a close friend or family member will know you better than a professional officiant, that span of 15 - 30 minutes is really important and should be exactly the way you envision it.
The other thing to consider is the friend/ family member you ask to officiate. In most cases, it will be their first (and perhaps last) time presiding over a ceremony. Instead of sitting back, relaxing and enjoying your ceremony, they may find themselves quite stressed (and in turn, stressing you out as they ask questions a professional officiant would know how to answer). My wife, a professional wedding photographer, opted out of shooting my brother's wedding for just that reason. She loves my brother and his new wife and wanted to sit back, relax and enjoy the day as a guest - not a vendor.
Having worked with just about every professional wedding planner in Monterey County, they always have a preference for a professional officiant. As they are organizing everything about your wedding day, they know that they will not need to provide special instructions to a friend or family member on the details of the ceremony (when to walk in, where to stand, when to make announcements etc...) The time they spend coaching a friend or family officiant, is less time they have towards the other details of your wedding.
As one final thought, during the first 6 months of 2018, I was hired 4 times on an "emergency" basis due to a family member not being able to officiate the wedding at the last minute (one could not make the trip, one didn't have the time to put anything together, a third, in the words of the groom, "chickened out" and a fourth decided it was going to be too complicated and he opted out). I love weddings, and officiating and planning weddings is something that I do full time.
Take a look at some of these articles below and make the best decision for you. I have also put together a site with the pros and cons of family officiants as well as some consulting assistance if you decide to go that route to ensure your wedding day is smooth: http://www.friendofficiatingwedding.com/
https://www.brides.com/story/couples-regret-friend-officiate-wedding
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson/why-not-to-have-a-friend-_b_3860883.html
http://iapwo.org/articles/why-hire-a-professional-officiant/
http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com/nothanks.html
Selecting the right officiant for your wedding day is very important. A wedding that has a budget in the thousands of dollars can be ruined by hiring an officiant that does not have the proper experience. There are a lot of great people out there from which to choose. One extra thing that I can provide is my wedding planning experience and doing my best to foresee issues that may come up. Here are some recent examples:
- I arrived to the wedding about 25 minutes prior to the official start time. I noticed that the microphone for the guest readings was placed in an area that would block off the bridesmaids from standing in the location we practiced during the rehearsal (I moved it along with the DJ). The best man had forgotten the rings back in the hotel room (on site). The wedding license (needed to be seen prior to the ceremony) had also been left behind in a hotel room. Both of these items were retrieved with plenty of time to spare. One of the guest reading, forgot their poem (I always have a copy with me and was able to hand it to her during the ceremony).
- For a sand ceremony, the table for this was placed behind the arch and the venue had provided me with a microphone (and stand) that was just in front of the wedding arch. I knew if the ceremony table remained there, none of the guest would be able to see the bride and groom (I would be directly in front of them as that microphone that was cabled could not be moved). Before the ceremony began (and after asking permission from the groom), I moved the table to a better location.
- During one ceremony, the couple had decided to not have a wedding rehearsal (although it was a 100 person wedding with bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer) — which is fine, but I arrived early to make sure I understood how the processional was going to unfold. The best man did not have the rings and he did not know where they were — even as the bride started her long walk towards the aisle. I was able to find them (long story). In a couple of other cases, when I checked with the best man, rings have been left in hotel rooms, cars etc…. I always try to make sure everything will run smoothly.
- A client had requested a unity candle ceremony in an area that I knew could be quite windy. I recommended during the rehearsal that they use a special vase over the candles which would help protect the flames from blowing out. I had also recommended using a wind proof lighter (but they had really wanted to use some long burning matches they had purchased instead). During the unity candle ceremony, they could not get the matches to light. After two attempts I handed them the lighter I had in my jacket pocket (I thought it would be a good idea to bring it just in case).
- At a wedding ceremony, when the DJ playing the recessional and processional music could not get his equipment to work, I was able to offer a portable player I had in my car (I don’t always carry it with me but I was unfamiliar with their DJ vendor so I brought it just in case).
- For a small wedding along the coast, the bride had decided to do a sand ceremony at the last minute - but had not mentioned it to me. In fact, I found out when the father of the bride brought out 3 vases with different colored sands about 15 minutes prior to the wedding. After making sure the plan was to do a sand ceremony, I found a quiet spot and wrote a sand ceremony for the couple with their child and was able to introduce it into the overall ceremony without any hesitation in the overall flow.
- A couple had decided to read their owns to each other after the traditional “I Do” vows. The groom forgot his but I had a copy that I was able to provide to him.
- At one wedding, we were running behind by about 20 minutes because the brides uncle, who was escorting her down the aisle, was very lost. The bride asked me to call him on his cell and provide turn by turn directions until he arrived (he got there safe and sound!). Another good reason to hire a local officiant for a local wedding (knowledge of the venues, vendors and directions).
- During a recessional, the flower girl (age 5) didn’t know what to do and seemed sad so I took her hand and we walked down the aisle together : )
- During a recent ceremony that had a sand ceremony, I noticed that there was a table for the sand ceremony – but no vases or sand! The wedding planner mentioned we were going to start but I was able to delay the wedding by just a few minutes and the planner and I found the kit and set it up (otherwise, we would have come to an important part of the wedding ceremony and had to skip over it)
- At a wedding at a local golf course, the wedding planner did not show up so I took charge and got all of the guests seated, the groomsmen lined up front and calmed the nerves of the bride (and her father) and had them lined up and coordinated with the music preplanned with the DJ. Everything went off perfectly!
- At a beach wedding, two pedestals had been set up with huge flower vases. Just minutes before everyone was to be lined up for the processional, I realized that there were no flowers! I asked around and found out that the maid of honor was in charge of this task. I found her (she was a bit nervous and was sitting in the front row) and we went to her car together to get the flowers (and the brides bouquet). The two of us arranged the flowers and I got the bouquet to the bride who was waiting in the limo. They looked beautiful!
- Wedding can sometimes be stressful and as a planner / officiant, you need to remain calm no matter the circumstances. Just before a wedding began, I was asked to come to the front row because a member of the family had a medical, perhaps life threatening, emergency. Although I am not a doctor, I was able to calmly assess the situation, had someone call 911 and found two medical specialist (guests) who were better able to make a diagnosis. Thank goodness, the elderly gentleman was okay and based on the wishes of the bride and groom, the wedding continued.
These are just a few examples. Weddings are meant to be a celebration and sometimes things will go wrong. What is most important is that you are professing your love to each other and sharing that love with your guests. One of my jobs is to provide you with a beautiful ceremony, and to minimize any small mishaps that may take place.
Reviewed On 3/30/2019 by Alandea M - 5 stars on the Knot.com
Brian was simply awesome. After asking a family member to officiate and having them decline (they hadn't done it before and were nervous), we found Brian online and hired him after reviewing his website, which includes pricing and sample ceremony scripts. This was really helpful in deciding whether he would be a fit. In the end I'm so thankful my family member passed on officiating because Brian played a huge role in making our wedding day absolutely perfect. We filled out his wedding questionnaire (which was a fun couples activity in itself), met with him once in-person a month before the wedding to go over additional details, and he sent us the ceremony script for review. It was perfectly lighthearted but thoughtful and written as if he had known us for years. He attended our rehearsal (recommend) and impressed our family and wedding party with his laid-back but professional persona. If you need an officiant in the Monterey area, don't think twice - hire Brian! Thank you for making our wedding ceremony beautiful, Brian!
On a few occasions, I have received an email or phone call to let me know my services will not be needed because a family member or friend was going to perform the ceremony. Although I think this is a lovely idea, there are some things to consider. Even though, at the time, I had performed over 300 wedding ceremonies, I found myself a bit nervous when I was asked to officiate my brother Scott's wedding. I knew that any mistakes made during the ceremony - even if unrelated to what I was saying and doing - would be magnified 100 times. I am happy to report that everything about the wedding was beautiful, but part of that was because of my experience and training (there were little "fires" I was able to put out in advance). I also made myself available for the rehearsal and ran it as well to ensure everyone felt comfortable and devoid of stress.
The average wedding in the U.S. cost over $25,000. The ceremony, and being there in the moment you join your lives together, is the reason that people travel near and far to your wedding. Although a close friend or family member will know you better than a professional officiant, that span of 15 - 30 minutes is really important and should be exactly the way you envision it.
The other thing to consider is the friend/ family member you ask to officiate. In most cases, it will be their first (and perhaps last) time presiding over a ceremony. Instead of sitting back, relaxing and enjoying your ceremony, they may find themselves quite stressed (and in turn, stressing you out as they ask questions a professional officiant would know how to answer). My wife, a professional wedding photographer, opted out of shooting my brother's wedding for just that reason. She loves my brother and his new wife and wanted to sit back, relax and enjoy the day as a guest - not a vendor.
Having worked with just about every professional wedding planner in Monterey County, they always have a preference for a professional officiant. As they are organizing everything about your wedding day, they know that they will not need to provide special instructions to a friend or family member on the details of the ceremony (when to walk in, where to stand, when to make announcements etc...) The time they spend coaching a friend or family officiant, is less time they have towards the other details of your wedding.
As one final thought, during the first 6 months of 2018, I was hired 4 times on an "emergency" basis due to a family member not being able to officiate the wedding at the last minute (one could not make the trip, one didn't have the time to put anything together, a third, in the words of the groom, "chickened out" and a fourth decided it was going to be too complicated and he opted out). I love weddings, and officiating and planning weddings is something that I do full time.
Take a look at some of these articles below and make the best decision for you. I have also put together a site with the pros and cons of family officiants as well as some consulting assistance if you decide to go that route to ensure your wedding day is smooth: http://www.friendofficiatingwedding.com/
https://www.brides.com/story/couples-regret-friend-officiate-wedding
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson/why-not-to-have-a-friend-_b_3860883.html
http://iapwo.org/articles/why-hire-a-professional-officiant/
http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com/nothanks.html
Selecting the right officiant for your wedding day is very important. A wedding that has a budget in the thousands of dollars can be ruined by hiring an officiant that does not have the proper experience. There are a lot of great people out there from which to choose. One extra thing that I can provide is my wedding planning experience and doing my best to foresee issues that may come up. Here are some recent examples:
- I arrived to the wedding about 25 minutes prior to the official start time. I noticed that the microphone for the guest readings was placed in an area that would block off the bridesmaids from standing in the location we practiced during the rehearsal (I moved it along with the DJ). The best man had forgotten the rings back in the hotel room (on site). The wedding license (needed to be seen prior to the ceremony) had also been left behind in a hotel room. Both of these items were retrieved with plenty of time to spare. One of the guest reading, forgot their poem (I always have a copy with me and was able to hand it to her during the ceremony).
- For a sand ceremony, the table for this was placed behind the arch and the venue had provided me with a microphone (and stand) that was just in front of the wedding arch. I knew if the ceremony table remained there, none of the guest would be able to see the bride and groom (I would be directly in front of them as that microphone that was cabled could not be moved). Before the ceremony began (and after asking permission from the groom), I moved the table to a better location.
- During one ceremony, the couple had decided to not have a wedding rehearsal (although it was a 100 person wedding with bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer) — which is fine, but I arrived early to make sure I understood how the processional was going to unfold. The best man did not have the rings and he did not know where they were — even as the bride started her long walk towards the aisle. I was able to find them (long story). In a couple of other cases, when I checked with the best man, rings have been left in hotel rooms, cars etc…. I always try to make sure everything will run smoothly.
- A client had requested a unity candle ceremony in an area that I knew could be quite windy. I recommended during the rehearsal that they use a special vase over the candles which would help protect the flames from blowing out. I had also recommended using a wind proof lighter (but they had really wanted to use some long burning matches they had purchased instead). During the unity candle ceremony, they could not get the matches to light. After two attempts I handed them the lighter I had in my jacket pocket (I thought it would be a good idea to bring it just in case).
- At a wedding ceremony, when the DJ playing the recessional and processional music could not get his equipment to work, I was able to offer a portable player I had in my car (I don’t always carry it with me but I was unfamiliar with their DJ vendor so I brought it just in case).
- For a small wedding along the coast, the bride had decided to do a sand ceremony at the last minute - but had not mentioned it to me. In fact, I found out when the father of the bride brought out 3 vases with different colored sands about 15 minutes prior to the wedding. After making sure the plan was to do a sand ceremony, I found a quiet spot and wrote a sand ceremony for the couple with their child and was able to introduce it into the overall ceremony without any hesitation in the overall flow.
- A couple had decided to read their owns to each other after the traditional “I Do” vows. The groom forgot his but I had a copy that I was able to provide to him.
- At one wedding, we were running behind by about 20 minutes because the brides uncle, who was escorting her down the aisle, was very lost. The bride asked me to call him on his cell and provide turn by turn directions until he arrived (he got there safe and sound!). Another good reason to hire a local officiant for a local wedding (knowledge of the venues, vendors and directions).
- During a recessional, the flower girl (age 5) didn’t know what to do and seemed sad so I took her hand and we walked down the aisle together : )
- During a recent ceremony that had a sand ceremony, I noticed that there was a table for the sand ceremony – but no vases or sand! The wedding planner mentioned we were going to start but I was able to delay the wedding by just a few minutes and the planner and I found the kit and set it up (otherwise, we would have come to an important part of the wedding ceremony and had to skip over it)
- At a wedding at a local golf course, the wedding planner did not show up so I took charge and got all of the guests seated, the groomsmen lined up front and calmed the nerves of the bride (and her father) and had them lined up and coordinated with the music preplanned with the DJ. Everything went off perfectly!
- At a beach wedding, two pedestals had been set up with huge flower vases. Just minutes before everyone was to be lined up for the processional, I realized that there were no flowers! I asked around and found out that the maid of honor was in charge of this task. I found her (she was a bit nervous and was sitting in the front row) and we went to her car together to get the flowers (and the brides bouquet). The two of us arranged the flowers and I got the bouquet to the bride who was waiting in the limo. They looked beautiful!
- Wedding can sometimes be stressful and as a planner / officiant, you need to remain calm no matter the circumstances. Just before a wedding began, I was asked to come to the front row because a member of the family had a medical, perhaps life threatening, emergency. Although I am not a doctor, I was able to calmly assess the situation, had someone call 911 and found two medical specialist (guests) who were better able to make a diagnosis. Thank goodness, the elderly gentleman was okay and based on the wishes of the bride and groom, the wedding continued.
These are just a few examples. Weddings are meant to be a celebration and sometimes things will go wrong. What is most important is that you are professing your love to each other and sharing that love with your guests. One of my jobs is to provide you with a beautiful ceremony, and to minimize any small mishaps that may take place.
Reviewed On 3/30/2019 by Alandea M - 5 stars on the Knot.com
Brian was simply awesome. After asking a family member to officiate and having them decline (they hadn't done it before and were nervous), we found Brian online and hired him after reviewing his website, which includes pricing and sample ceremony scripts. This was really helpful in deciding whether he would be a fit. In the end I'm so thankful my family member passed on officiating because Brian played a huge role in making our wedding day absolutely perfect. We filled out his wedding questionnaire (which was a fun couples activity in itself), met with him once in-person a month before the wedding to go over additional details, and he sent us the ceremony script for review. It was perfectly lighthearted but thoughtful and written as if he had known us for years. He attended our rehearsal (recommend) and impressed our family and wedding party with his laid-back but professional persona. If you need an officiant in the Monterey area, don't think twice - hire Brian! Thank you for making our wedding ceremony beautiful, Brian!